I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
