I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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