she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
