I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
