Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
