I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
