I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My feet surprised me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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