how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
