Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
