Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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