How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
