Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
