Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
