Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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