I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
