That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
