i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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