I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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