you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
