where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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