so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
