dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
