I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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