I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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