Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
wrigley field is MILF paradise
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
