i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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