just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
