I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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