Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
