The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
