So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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