hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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