if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I supernannyed him into submission
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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