How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
