a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
