Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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