Christians are straight up FREAKS
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I need to align my fucking chakras
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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