can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
