he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
