Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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