i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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