the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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