Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
