i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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