Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
