New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
