FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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