Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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