thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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