My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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