I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
