He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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