Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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