I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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