I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
