I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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