Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
