Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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